I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
