I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
