UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
