i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
