I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
