Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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