I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
