You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
