Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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