u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
