i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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