census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
