Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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