I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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