I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Randomize
