My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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