Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize