guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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