??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
It's just like the Real World with babies
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
