do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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