Soap is not a condiment
someone owes me an orgasm
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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