Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
