keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
