Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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