i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
