I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
