A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
