apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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