please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Sober January is a disaster.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
