i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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