Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
