I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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