she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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