my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
