Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize