And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
