Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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