I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
