Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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