I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Dignity is for republicans.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
