I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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