My first STD was from a foam party
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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