Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
