Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
