i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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