I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
