I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
