she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
