On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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