She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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