please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Randomize
