I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
