i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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