Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
