Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
