he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
