I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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