he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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