textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
