I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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