I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
