put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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