It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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