If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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