i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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