I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
