I hope mine doesn't look like that
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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