Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
