he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize